April 8, 2009 by Gary Seigel.

 I am in Homer, Alaska, thousands of miles from Los Angeles. It is not bitterly cold, but snow covers the streets, the hills, the stores, and sidewalks. The town itself is smaller than a typical LA mall, and to get into Anchorage, you’re talking a good four hour drive or longer, as long as there are no avalanches, volcano erruptions,  ice storms, or tsunamis.

Ash from the volcano has made it nearly impossible to breathe normally (you have to wear face masks), and for seven solid months, Homer residents have seen  tempertures drop sometimes thirty below zero. Today it is a warm but crisp 22 degrees, but the whales are not here yet, and the tourists are still in Florida.

 I buy some  jam at  a store, and the woman behind the counter asks me where I’m from. She seems excited to see foreigners.

“Los Angeles,” I tell her.

“Well, we’re from Modesto,” she said.

“What brought you here?” I asked.

“My brother in law said he needed company. So we came out and never left. We’ve been here thirty years.”

“THIRTY YEARS you’ve been here in HOMER? Thirty years?” I asked.

Afterwards, my friend Dan suggested I rethink my tone of astonishment. First of all, she’s not in Trenton State Prison. She’s in the most beautiful Halibut country in the world. You could spend thirty years in Reseda and have greater regrets. Secondly, some people prefer this climate and quiet to the crazed, traffic-driven, congestion of LA.  Just remember - three months of the year, it can be delightfully warm and if you like fish, there isn’t a better place on earth to live. And thirdly, Dan asked - “I thought you just wrote a book that advised people to think before they speak? What were you thinking?”

It is true - that secretly I don’t understand people’s need to live in a snow globe, but admittedly I admire their tenacity and their willingness to do the impossible.  If I were to speak to this woman again, I would have just expressed admiration. ”This must be a beautiful place to live.”  Or, asked a few questions. “What do you miss most about Southern CA?”  “What do you find most comforting about Homer?” “What challenges have you been able to overcome?”

Engaging in a dialogue — vs. expressing judgment — is probably the better way to go. Though the woman never said anything negative, she wrapped the jam quickly and managed to give me a dismissive frown that sent us walking to our car. Had her lips done the talking, she might have said: “Stranger, what  right have you to criticize my choice of territory. I love this place. It’s my home, and I’m glad you don’t live in it!”

Posted in The Mouth Trap | 102 Comments »

July 28, 2008 by Gary Seigel.

 A few weeks ago, Rev. Jesse Jackson apologized for crude off-air comments about Barack Obama that were caught on tape while preparing for an interview on Fox News. The situation was particularly embarrassing because sections of that off-air, private conversation included the N word, perhaps surprising since Jackson himself was out front in the movement for a voluntary ban on that word.

Then in mid-July, tempers flared during a particularly sizzling session of The View’s “Hot Topics” segment while the ladies discussed Jackson’s apology and disagreed about the use of the slur, regardless of who’s saying it. 

Elizabeth expressed concern about living in a world where pop culture permits such racial language.  The controversy seemed particularly focused on her comment to Whoopie that we should try to solve this because— “We live in the same world.”Whoopi fiercely disagreed with her co-host.  “We do live in different worlds, it’s just that way.”Though this particular conversation did not seem unusual for this show, it brings up an interesting question. Can Whoopie use that term privately – in her world – but it becomes particularly obscene when used by someone who  is not African American?

According to an article published through Harvard University, the word “nigger,” a key term in American culture is racist and foul: “It is a profoundly hurtful racial slur meant to stigmatize African Americans. It has accompanied innumerable lynchings, beatings, acts of arson, and other racially motivated attacks upon blacks. It is the signature phrase of racial prejudice.”

And yet — this “cultural obscenity”  has become a private code word that African-Americans use sometimes even affectionately, an inside word, an understood language the belongs inside a particular world.

I’m wondering what word equivalents exist in other cultures?    Gay men, for example, often refer to each other as “bitches,” but that was never a derogatory term to describe homosexuals. It’s a new adapted, code word.  What other examples can you think of and how do you feel about the use of these words in popular culture today?

Posted in The Mouth Trap | 372 Comments »

March 30, 2008 by Gary Seigel.

Recently Alice shared this story with me:

“An old friend of mine has not returned my phone calls. I’ve left five messages. I also emailed him. No response.  I bumped into another friend of his who said, ‘Alice, don’t take it personally. He’s just swamped. He doesn’t return my phone calls either.’

But when someone seemingly refuses to talk to you, it’s hard not to take it personally, and very easy to write that person off.”

I agree.

I’ve had the same problem. I have a particular colleague I have known for years, but he doesn’t return phone calls, and though I have a great contact to give him, I’m reluctant. In fact, if I see this guy at an upcoming conference, I am prepared to be rude and indifferent. I’ll treat him the way he treats me! I’ll let him know he lost an important lead that could have advanced his business,  brought him to the attention of Oprah Winfrey, and made him an instant billionaire! 

Some of us simply draw conclusions (or illusions) when people do not call us back.  That’s why I suggest you return calls and emails within 24 hours or as soon as it is humanly possible so that you do not communicate the wrong message.  How do you feel about that?

Posted in The Mouth Trap | 1528 Comments »

March 23, 2008 by Gary Seigel.

I took a diversity training program a few years ago, and we were handed a list of topics not to talk about at work. Race and sexism were at the top of the list, and yet I would imagine in the spring of 2008 these are the very topics that spring up in lunchrooms and hallways (and bathrooms) in every company across America.

Just this week, Obama’s reference to his grandmother as a “typical white person” initiated a media frenzy. So you’re on your way to work and you hear Dan Gross from Philadelphia Daily News ask if Hillary Clinton were to use the term, “typical black person,” what kind of trouble would that cause?

You park your car. You walk into the office, and it rattles you. Are we dealing with double standards here or what?!  But forget about politics because a shipment of 35,000 widgets has been lost at sea, and you need to focus on finding them. You’re also up for a management promotion, so you need to be careful what you say.

A week earlier Hilary supporter, Geraldine Ferraro, told an interviewer Barack Obama’s candidacy was so successful because he is black, a comment that has vilified her but that she continues to defend.

Today you hear her quoted on the radio as you drive to a client meeting on the other end of town. “Any time anybody does anything that in any way puts this campaign down and says, let’s address reality and the problems we’re facing in this world’ you’re accused of being racist and you have to shut up. Racism works in two different directions. I really think they’re attacking me because I’m white. How’s that?”

Ouch! Did she say I’ll tell you ‘how’s that?’ You fully understand that you must put your feelings and thoughts in your back pocket because you have no idea what your clients’ politics are and it would be inappropriate, possibly wrong, to bring up this subject.  Still, it’s gnawing at you, and when you get to the office and grab a coffee with several other co-workers, the words just pop out of your mouth like gumballs. “Did you hear what Ferraro said today? Can you believe the double standard we have in this country? Aren’t you at all bothered by the speech we heard yesterday?”

We go to work. We talk. We share, and we get in trouble. “I can’t believe what Frank said.”   “Boy is he a racist!”    “If that’s what he believes, I’m not sure I want to work with him on his committee.”

 We know diversity training tells us to choose our words carefully and keep our thoughts to ourselves, but  we have a lot on our minds these days.

 A hundred years from now 2008 may be seen as a watershed year. Perhaps not as revolutionary as 1776 – maybe not even as exciting as 1968—but this is an  election of historical proportion, and every day politicians put their foot in their mouth.  

How have you learned to create an acceptable environment at work where discussion can take place without risk of violating policies or sensitivity issues?

Posted in The Mouth Trap | 1146 Comments »

March 16, 2008 by Gary Seigel.

Welcome to The Mouth Trap Blog. This is my first post. I am excited to annouce that my new book entitled, The Mouth Trap: Strategies, Tips, and Secrets To Keep Your Foot Out of Your Mouth,  will be available soon.

Posted in The Mouth Trap | 38 Comments »