Your boss decides to cancel a project that you had been working on for weeks.
Frustrated by her decision, you snap back in an email to a colleague, calling it an “idiotic” decision.
Of course, it’s forwarded to your boss, and she writes: “I don’t appreciate being called an idiot!”
And in your defense, you re-frame what you said. “I didn’t mean it was idiotic. I’m sorry you read it that way. It just wasted a lot of my time, and I felt it was well….thoughtless… to cancel the project…”
“So are you saying I’m thoughtless too?” she asks.
Better stop the email conversation right there before you dig too deep a hole.
When we’re angry, we tend to snap and write things we regret afterwards because it’s hard –at that very moment—to envision the consequences. (We’re so buried in the emotion.)
So if you say something unfortunate — what do you do?
You can immediately apologize. “I am so sorry I said that. I was upset and please forgive me.”
But, it might be too late.
The boss will not forget what you said, nor will she ever trust you again.
“Sometimes you just have to say what you’re feeling,” a client told me recently. “You can’t just keep sidestepping the issue.”
Calling people names, however, is what three years old do – and that kind of adolescent behavior in business has dire consequences, especially when we put it in writing.
It’s there forever.
The email can be put in your file.
It can be forwarded to others.
And it can be used against you.
Even if you survive it, people treat you differently when they think you’re prone to misjudgments and verbal tantrums.
This doesn’t mean we have to say absolutely nothing or spend weeks searching for the right word or words.
But, we shouldn’t be Trigger-Happy either. Here are five rules to follow:
- Never write when you’re angry. Put that emotion in your back pocket. It’s like playing poker. Don’t show your cards.
- Filter your own emails. Develop a healthy sense of doubt. Check for words like “need” and “should” and “must.” If someone needs criticism, do it live — make it a conversation.
- Avoid BIEs (Beer induced emails).
- Always include some personal kindness in an email. Use “hi.” Sign your emails with “Thanks” or “Best regards.” Be engaging, not dismissive.
- Never put anything in writing you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of your local newspaper.
When dealing with emotionally charged issues like the cancellation of a project, acknowledge your feelings. “Truly, I worked a whole week on it, and I’m disappointed that I can’t finish it.” Discuss this in person, and if necessary follow up with a written summary of the meeting. Most importantly, find out why this project was cancelled before you rush to judgment. Often we react badly because we don’t ask the right questions or don’t understand what’s behind the decision.
“Could you tell me why the project was cancelled” might be nine words that can save you from sabotaging your job, perhaps even your career.
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Insultant/Consultant show, Sunday January 30, 2011, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some tips for avoiding this misguided behavior.
Your boss decides to cancel a project that you had been working on for weeks.
Frustrated by her decision, you snap back in an email to a colleague, calling it an “idiotic” decision.
Of course, it’s forwarded to your boss, and she writes: “I don’t appreciate being called an idiot!”
And in your defense, you re-frame what you said. “I didn’t mean it was idiotic. I’m sorry you read it that way. It just wasted a lot of my time, and I felt it was well….thoughtless… to cancel the project…”
“So are you saying I’m thoughtless too?” she asks.
Better stop the email conversation right there before you dig too deep a hole.
When we’re angry, we tend to snap and write things we regret afterwards because it’s hard –at that very moment—to envision the consequences. (We’re so buried in the emotion.)
So if you say something unfortunate — what do you do?
You can immediately apologize. “I am so sorry I said that. I was upset and please forgive me.”
But, it might be too late.
The boss will not forget what you said, nor will she ever trust you again.
“Sometimes you just have to say what you’re feeling,” a client told me recently. “You can’t just keep sidestepping the issue.”
Calling people names, however, is what three years old do – and that kind of adolescent behavior in business has dire consequences, especially when we put it in writing.
It’s there forever.
The email can be put in your file.
It can be forwarded to others.
And it can be used against you.
Even if you survive it, people treat you differently when they think you’re prone to misjudgments and verbal tantrums.
This doesn’t mean we have to say absolutely nothing or spend weeks searching for the right word or words.
But, we shouldn’t be Trigger-Happy either. Here are five rules to follow:
- Never write when you’re angry. Put that emotion in your back pocket. It’s like playing poker. Don’t show your cards.
- Filter your own emails. Develop a healthy sense of doubt. Check for words like “need” and “should” and “must.” If someone needs criticism, do it live — make it a conversation.
- Avoid BIEs (Beer induced emails).
- Always include some personal kindness in an email. Use “hi.” Sign your emails with “Thanks” or “Best regards.” Be engaging, not dismissive.
- Never put anything in writing you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of your local newspaper.
When dealing with emotionally charged issues like the cancellation of a project, acknowledge your feelings. “Truly, I worked a whole week on it, and I’m disappointed that I can’t finish it.” Discuss this in person, and if necessary follow up with a written summary of the meeting. Most importantly, find out why this project was cancelled before you rush to judgment. Often we react badly because we don’t ask the right questions or don’t understand what’s behind the decision.
“Could you tell me why the project was cancelled” might be nine words that can save you from sabotaging your job, perhaps even your career.
Tune in this week to Dr. Brian and Dr. Gary’s Insultant/Consultant show, Sunday January 30, 2011, http://www.blogtalkradio.com/consultantinsultant to learn some tips for avoiding this misguided behavior.
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